Tuesday, February 19, 2013

LIES WOMEN TELL




Alright, this one’s going to piss off some, make others chuckle, and probably piss off some more. But bottom line, no one’s 100% honest all of the time and there’s no question we boys have made an omission or two with you…but then you most certainly have with us, too!
Ah, women. So mysterious! So enigmatic! they have more layers than an onion. And men, poor, poor men. Left to figure them out all on their own. Sorry! they don’t mean to be confusing. they just are. While many of them strive to be honest, truthful, and forthright, women do not always tell the truth. That is the truth. Sometimes women lie. Most of the time, though, these are little white lies, half-truths told to keep the peace. Other times, their lies are a little bigger — say, for example, when the subject is sex.
  
 Women lie. Out of compulsion, to manipulate you, to manipulate the situation, to salvage the relationship, to willingly destroy the friendship, to be bitchy, to infuse some gossip and fun into an otherwise mundane life.
No matter the reason, women lie.
As do men, but for the purpose of this article we’ll just stick to talking about the fairer sex. And no, no lies will be mentioned here.(lie)
In honor of National Honesty Day, here’s a cheat sheet of the mis-truths that are most likely to come out of a woman’s mouth, and what men can learn about the lies, the sweet little lies, that women tell and very few own up to. ( (Don’t worry — we’ve got lies dudes tell coming later …).. Those of the tall tales we’ve been told by you ladies. Take a look in the mirror…


 
1.   I wouldn’t change a thing about you.

           This is only true when a woman is in love, which lasts about ummm.....??? a week. But believe me, after that she starts keeping a dossier of blueprints in her mind, constantly re-sketching better and more appropriate versions of you from her reflections on Marie Claire articles and pictures of underwear models and  Usher Raymond…yeah I remember that one.
 Though it may sound cliche, people aren’t perfect. If your girlfriend tells you that she wouldn’t change a thing about you, then red flags should go up. There’s always that one annoyance in a partner — sometimes it’s bearable, sometimes it’s not. Hell, you probably see those things in yourself. Usually, women will use this tactic to sweeten their men up, and may even take it from there to get what they want. If you believe this, well, not only do you have quite the ego, but you deserve to be lied to.

2. “Size doesn’t matter, it’s how you use it!”
           Does size really matter? It’s the age old question to which we all would like a definitive answer, and not the Dr. Ruth middle-of-the-road crap, either. Thing is, regardless of how many studies are done, women will still lie about this one, especially if her boyfriend isn’t particularly well-endowed. Think about extreme cases — sometimes it’s just beyond help. Women usually like to be “nice” and think they’re making their boyfriends feel better. If it’s small, he probably knows it.
   If  McDonald's two-story cheeseburgers and Heineken's Magnum can tell us anything about people culture, it's that we like things big. Women are no exception, despite what they claim their thoughts are on the size subject. 
Guys, don't get it twisted — a woman will tell you anything to stroke your ego (instead of, well…), but the truth is, she loves you anyway, small peen and all.


3. You’re the biggest I’ve ever had
             I don’t blame any woman for saying this to a man because we beg you to tell us this lie. We need this lie. We poke and prod until you tell us we’re big enough. Call it an emotional hand job. And it’s appreciated. And hopefully he’ll return the favor (with whatever the equivalent is. What is the female equivalent?)

4.   It was…great, really.”-“You were great!

            People say the dandiest things during and after sex, but this one is usually a blatant lie. We suppose it’s possible that she’s just had the best ever, but it all depends on her. If she were a virgin, then it’s likely she wasn’t lying. Most women simply say it to give an ego boost men love to get, so this lie isn’t all that harmful. Its just transparent.


 If you *actually* were great, she wouldn’t necessarily say it. Instead she’d show you how grateful she is. So if she tells you how great you were and raves and rants about it, chances are you were only but mediocre and she is just being nice.
                  Again, we’re asking for it. We’re not all sexual dynamos. Or competent. Some of us suck in bed. Maybe it’s a lack of chemistry or we came too soon, but sometimes we screw up the screwing. And we generally know it. I mean, we have an instinct that we didn’t do it right (there are some obvious signs and some we choose to be oblivious of). I mean, what are you going to tell us when we’re still naked and sweating? Most polite answer, really. And it’s appreciated. Of course, sometimes this lie is followed by: “I’ve got to go. I’ll call you.” (lol)


5.   "You're the best I've ever been with."
          The better you feel about your performance, the more likely you'll be able to actually perform.

6.  "He’s just A friend"
      Like seriously?…This is a huge one. Almost all women think that they can be platonic friends with a straight male, but it’s just not the case. People will argue the point to death, but the plain fact of the matter is that given the chance, men will sleep with their female friends. If any woman is actually naive enough to believe this through and through, she usually receives a very rude awakening at some point down the road. 
Her friend has probably seen her naked or thought about her naked at least twice, if not hundreds of times. What’s worse is if a woman already knows she’s not “just friends” with some guy — that’s when trouble really brews. Somebody take note…you know yourself.


7. “I’ve never done this before.”
   Lolzzz…..truth is…..Your pants are on fire.



8. “I’ve only had sex with like, 2 guys. Swears.”…I’ve slept with [X] guys.” Maybe she rounds up. Maybe she rounds down. Maybe she can’t remember. Whatever the case may be, more than a few women have lied about how many sexual partners they’ve had. Maybe she feels self-conscious. Maybe her number is higher than yours. To increase the likelihood she’ll tell the truth, make her confess first.
In the beginning, we all tend to do some spacey-wacey maneuvering when it comes to the list. There’s the joke that men make their numbers bigger and women make theirs smaller. Of course, if it’s true then is it still a joke?
  

9. “I love sports!  I like Video Games and the Wu Tang Clan, too!
      No you don’t. You don’t like anything we do and you pretend that you do. We give the same line to you about other things. I mean, we have to get along somehow, right? But just to warn you, when we find out the truth, that you hate everything we love, it only stirs the awkward sauce.
     Granted, some women do actually enjoy sports, but those aren’t usually the ones that announce it to the world. Those who do are in all likelihood lying. It’s usually the same old desperate attempt to gain male attention, and connect on that much-coveted “guy level.” If she truly does like sports, you’ll come across it when you get to know her — otherwise you should know when she’s bullshitting. Don’t hesitate to call her out, or better yet: Make her sit through an entire game.


10. Everything’s fine.- "Nothing's wrong." I’m fine’’. 
Seriously? Of course something is wrong. Isn't there always something wrong? If it isn't his mangled toenail clippings or shaved pubic hair scattering the bathroom floor, it's his lack of empathy for the women on Army Wives (series). Sure, it's sweet that a woman is willing to take it all in stride, but that's only if stride doesn't mean a death stare and a three-week dry spell (for those who understand).
   Am going to go out on a limb here and suggest this is the single most common lie told by women to men. Or, you know, at the very least it’s the lie told most often to men. 
Women are emotional creatures! Sometimes, they get upset! Maybe it’s because their Aries is in our Venus, maybe it’s because they got promoted at work and they’re scared as hell about living up to their lofty goals, or maybe they’re in a mood. It’s up to you to figure out if you want to walk into their minefield or keep a safe distance away. Usually, your best bet is listening.
When everything’s fine, no one actually needs to say it.
 
 
 11. I am NOT mad at you
      Lie. Lie. Lie. The moment she utters these words, the red flag, heck ALL the red flags you have, must go up. A woman only ever says this when she is fuming with wrath; when she is so angry with you that she wants to burn your sad soul and kick you right into hell. You’d be safe if she is mad at you than when she is not. So, if she isn’t mad at you, please do the needful and make sure she is absolutely mad at you.
This is one of the most common lies a woman will tell her boyfriend, or anyone, really. It’s just one of those frustrating things a guy will have to deal with — she expects everyone to magically predict when she doesn’t like something, even if she’s hiding it. Unless you’re a mind reader, you’ll have to get her to actually talk about what’s bothering her, because most guys will just let this one slide and see it as resolved — don’t. It always blows up later, and be a much bigger headache than the tiny argument you may have now.


  

12.   I’ll call you.”
We’re not the only ones who use it! Way better than an outright rejection, right? We all should practice the Golden Rule a bit more. Of course, this isn’t the only way to blow a guy off…or cover something up.
    when you say ...“I’ve got a friend coming in this weekend.
You’re cheating on him or just seeing another guy. Or just want to avoid him entirely. I’ve gotten this one. I think every guy I know has gotten this one and every woman I know has used some form of it. Believe it or not, we’d rather just get the rejection upfront.
 
13.   I never drink this much.”
Usually said while drunk or tipsy. But come on, no one wants to admit they’re an alcoholic the first time they meet someone. That’s not sexy. Duh.
 
14. “I’m just not ready to be serious right now.”
       Women aren’t the only culprits with this lie, but it’s seen in a very different light when a guy says it. It’s really not surprising when a man says it, and even uses it as an excuse to get with another woman — men usually settle down later than women, and it’s even been boiled down to genetics. Yeah, it’s a double standard, but that’s just how it is. When a woman says it, it’s usually code for “I just want to keep being skanky.” Big clues for this one are the countless “guy friends” she has, because she “doesn’t get along well with other girls...(tell me am the only one who's heard this).

15. “Be honest, I can take it (I won’t get mad if you say I look fat in this)
This particularly statement is made after she asks you *that* question. The question being: Do I look fat in this?
It’s a trap. A big huge cage from which there is no escape. Any answer or no answer, you’re destined to die out of misery in that cage.
This is a tricky one — it’s almost always a trap. It usually goes something like this; a woman will tell her boyfriend to be honest about the jeans that double as sausage encasing for her ass. Whether or not he’s honest is up to him, but women like to get compliments — which is what she’s indirectly fishing for in this situation. She’s lying sure enough, and woman or not, who wants to be called fat?
The truth is she cannot take your honesty and if you lie blatantly, she’ll catch you at it. So the trick here is to be moderate in your response; not too flattery, not too mean. Walk the tight-rope well and you might just manage to escape from the cage. PS: No living man has yet managed this feat.
 
16.  I’m a terrible liar.”
    No, we just want to believe you so badly it doesn’t matter how good of a liar you are. Especially when it comes to the sex stuff.

17. “I’m not jealous
    In reality, she is jealous almost all the time. Jealous when you look at that girl walking by, jealous when you talk too much to your friend who is a girl, jealous when you're answering that call and laughing out loud, jealous when you're laughing with friends. In all honesty, playful jealousy is fun, necessary even to keep the relationship going. So when she says she is not jealous, smile and kiss her cheek. Forget being jealous, she will just blush.

18. “I have never nor would I ever cheat on you.” 

     According to my friend Gerald, this is past-future-impossible tense. Do you remember that show on VH1, “Tough Love: Couples“? The number one cause of screaming fights? Cheating. Or, more specifically, lying about cheating.
 It’s not easy to tell someone when you’ve messed up; the fallout can be brutal. Remember: What you don’t know can spare you.


19. “I weigh [X].”  
Here’s the thing. Women don’t lie about their weight because of you. Their reasons for doing it have everything to do with them. Not all women lie about their weight, but some do, and they do it for all kinds of reasons. Because they want to weigh less, because they want to weigh more, because they’re not sure and that number sounds about right.


Women and their weight are a mysterious relationship with which you may not want to interfere. Take her word for it....please.


20. “Sure, you can call me.”
     Sometimes, when women are face-to-face with a guy, and he’s asking them out on a first or for a second date, it’s tough to, er, woman-up and say, “You know what? Um, no.” Women don’t want to be heart-breakers (at this point). They want to be nice. They’re sure you’ll get the message when they never call you back.



21. “It doesn’t bother me if you look at other women.”
Many women don’t like to be that “naggy girlfriend,” so they try to be as fair and passive as possible. It’s all a front most of the time, and they wind up seething inside with jealousy at the very thought of their boyfriend looking at another woman. It’s just a natural instinct for a woman to feel the need to keep her partner, but they tend to lie about it anyway to be nice. Girls who use this one tend to be the passive-aggressive type

22.  "I'm cool with you going to a strip club."
           Just think back to “I don’t mind if you look at other women.” This is a bit worse than that one; not only would her boyfriend be looking at other women, but mostly/fully naked women groping and grinding on him. Depending on the club in question, it can get even more intense than that. If she tells you she’s alright with this, then she’s probably just being nice. Other possibilities include:
 She has you incredibly whipped, and expects you not to go after careful consideration, or she may even want to go with you — to keep tabs (…Or watch, but at that point we’re talking about an entirely different subject).Men, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. This is actually a brilliant subterfuge passed down by great women since Helen of Troy.

The woman gives the man just enough room to do something completely ridiculous and then uses her subsequent rage to run amok (do as they please) for months, without repercussions. After all, “remember when you asked to go to the strip club with the guys…Did I….? Am sure you know the rest of the story.

23. “ It’s okay you forgot."
      it’s okay you forgot? 
A man forgetting important events is like a terrorist attack on a woman's heart. Though she may move on, she'll have to bear the scars of that fateful day forever. And while there's always a subtle, disembodied fear that it could happen again, she likes to hope everyone has learned an important lesson from the grave tragedy she's had to endure.


24. “That was delicious!” If you cooked, they don’t care how it tastes. Women will tell you they love it.  Love them for that.


25. “It wasn’t that expensive.
Women love to use this one. Why? Because they can get away with it. Most men have no idea what a purse is worth by looking at it, unless — maybe — it’s the purse pictured above. It’s one of the most expensive purses in the world, crafted from platinum and diamonds, but I bet that your girlfriend could bring home a knock-off that’d have you fooled anyway.
26.“It was on sale.” 
It wasn’t. Deal with it.

27. “I’ll be ready in a minute.” 
   Listen, if before you left the house to go out on a date, you had to shower, shave half your body, slather yourself in moisturizer, apply 99 overpriced products, put on several layers of makeup, flat-iron your hair, pick out the perfect outfit that makes you look sophisticated/sexy/spectacular, it would take you a long time to get ready, too. So, just tell him to wait.

28. "I don’t know.
Am of the opinion that a lot of times when a woman says, “I don’t know,” she does, in fact, know. Women are intuitive like a nuclear power plant is radioactive, and it is upon their internal sonars that we rely. Mostly, they do know. but may not be ready to tell you.
 

29. "I never think about my ex."
Everyone thinks of their ex. At some point or the other, we are driven back to times gone by because of a tune or a place or situation or a conversation. It’s okay if she thinks about her ex once in a while, because it is only normal to do so. And if she confesses to *never* thinking of her ex, I’d say something is wrong with her and that you need to assess what that is
If your boss asks you if you're happy your new job, of course you're going to say yes. Same is true in relationships. After all, no one wants to make things awkward at the coffee machine.

30."I love your friends. Or …Your friends are great! I don’t mind if they come over.”
Another case of a woman trying to be accommodating; if she says this, then she’s probably lying. It’s rare that a woman genuinely likes her boyfriend’s friends; they come in all types — single and rowdy, drunk and desperate, single and desperate but sober — the list goes on. 

Not to mention the mess guys make when they come over to visit or watch a game, which she will likely clean when he and his buddies fail to do so. Basically, she’s always weary of the friends and how they might screw up all her hard work.Women like those piggish apes as much as men like their girlfriend's pudgy, gossiping friends. Enough said. 

31. “I love spending time with your mom!”
If you’re lucky, you’ll end up with in-laws you’ll love — but it’s not likely. Women are expected to bond on that girly level with other women, to include their man’s dear old mum — but it’s not realistic to expect them all to get along.
A typical woman won’t care about realism in this case; she’ll lie about how much she loves her boyfriend’s mother just to be nice. It’s a terrible idea in the long run, especially if it backfires and she’s forced to spend extended periods of time with the woman

 
32. “I don’t mind picking up the tab tonight.
             Many women feel the need to be treated like a princess — you know the type. It’s nice to treat a woman to a night out every once in a while, but when she tells her boyfriend she wants to pick up the tab after dinner, she’s probably lying. She wants to look like the nice girl, modern and fair. You can tell if she’s lying right away by checking out her body language.
 Does she even make an attempt to reach for the check? If not, you should make her pay — maybe she won’t lie about that again.
 
33.“It doesn’t matter how much you make.
        Yeah…right, it’s seen as shallow and gold digger-esque for a woman to openly express the desire for her boyfriend to make a lot of money. When it comes down to it, outside of lala land, it does matter how much you make — at least in pragmatic terms, anyway. People do have to make a living, and they need to have some sort of means of support (Got that, Mister starving artist?). But, instead of talking about finances and expenditures like adults, women like to lie about it to make them seem angelic, romantic, and free-spirited and even if she does make more money than you, it kind of tells on her choices as a woman... choose a man richer than you and you’re a gold digger or class seeker, choose a guy you can feed and you’re looking for whom to control.

 So....
There you have it, ladies.  Lies that all of you combined might have used at some point. Again, we certainly ask you to tell some of them to us. Others…So my big question to you is: how many have you used? It’s okay, I won’t tell. Oh! Another question, which ones have you told that I didn’t list? Come on, don’t hog all the fun.
We’re gonna need a longer list

i'll talk to you again soon 
Your Friend 
.....Leonhart


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