Friday, January 18, 2013

WHY MEN CHEAT- AN EXPLANATION


DISCLAIMER
THIS MAY NOT BE A GENERAL THEORY! HOWEVER IT IS NOT ONE MANS OPINION. THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS TO EVERY RULE THOUGH.
2. CHEATING IS ONLY DERIVED WHERE THERE IS A LEGITIMATE AGREEMENT ON AN EXCLUSIVE BOND, MARRIAGE OR OTHERWISE. SO A MAN IS NOT CHEATING ON YOU WHEN YOU HAVE SIX OTHER MEN.
3. IF YOU THINK YOU ARE MY GIRLFRIEND, READING MEANING INTO THIS IS AT YOUR OWN RISK.
4. IF YOU SEE A STORY THAT LOOKS LIKE AM TALKING ABOUT YOU…LOOK AGAIN…IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU.(but if you're smart and this piece preaches to you ,you"ll take the jokes in good faith and try to change for good)

Women around the world have been asking me for this since I posted a very brief topic on WHY WOMEN CHEAT.
Well…here it is …and it is not for the feeble minded.
Word of advice, get a bottle or cup of something cuz this is going to be massive. 


Blame it on the genes

In troubled relationships, cheating can be an easy alternative to the burden of a breakup or the agony of divorce. It's a quick fix for the sake of the couple's or the family's integrity. Some of us have even gone so far as to enact the long-distance code: If you cheat in another zip code, it doesn't count.

 
And with evolutionary psychologists telling us that we are wired to lay our seeds in as many women as possible to ensure our genetic survival, adultery is slowly becoming a defensible misdeed, which may explain why women are catching up to men in the game of infidelity.

Because of our insatiable appetite for sex, we men can sometimes only be as faithful as our options. Here are the main reasons why some men will opt to shed their devotion and cheat on their partners.

Now in descending order……


Number 19
Driven by caveman instincts
While on a superficial level men have evolved from their hairy caveman days, the basic instincts have barely changed since the days of being hunters with clubs! For thousands of years a man's job was to procreate as much as possible. Although in our current times of over population and the cultural structure of one man for one woman is accepted, at least in theory by men, the genetic and primal instincts of the "hunter" in a man often drives them back to giving in to those urges.

Number 18
Competition and the wrong crowd
 While this reason affects only a minority of men, it still acts as a misguided catalyst to why men cheat. If a man is surrounded by his friends who sleep around with other women, he may subconsciously feel competitive and try and do the same to be "in" with his crowd
.
Number 17
He is not who he seems to be.
This man never intended to be monogamous, despite taking a vow or making a commitment to do so. He lacks empathy for his spouse, and he resentfully sees monogamy as something to work around rather than respect. His need to get what he wants when he wants it -- and that supersedes the value he places on intimacy and partnership.

Number 16
He is unaware of his (and others) emotional needs
until overwhelmed by them. This is the guy who complains that he is not getting the same love, attention and adoration from his spouse as he got when they were first dating. Feeling trapped and drained, often longing for the courtship phase of his early relationship, he will turn to the extensive use of online porn, affairs and sensual massage to temporarily meet the emotional needs he may not even know he has.

Number 14
He is insecure.
Feeling old, undesirable, unattractive, unsuccessful, etc., this man uses affairs, prostitutes and other forms of sexual intensity to reassure himself of his desirability and worth. This man will often go to strip clubs, attempt to become that "special" client to a particular prostitute, or otherwise seek situations that provide external validation in an attempt to bolster his failing self-esteem.

Number 13
He is unhappy in his relationship.
     The duality of security and excitement - Most relationships       after the first few years of passion dwindle down to a mundane regularity of life's struggles. The excitement and passion that once existed is longer there. This can certainly be resolved but requires the active work by both. Most couples fail to do that. However, while the relationship might get rather boring, it provides the important element of comfort and security to both. The man may have an affair to inject the excitement that is missing with his current partner, but at the same is hell bent on keeping it a secret as the fear of destroying the security is too high.
This most common excuse for cheating usually sounds something like the following: "If you had to live with my wife/girlfriend/lover, you would cheat too. She's gained weight, nags me all the time AND she doesn't want to have sex anymore. So what's a guy to do?" But in reality, no matter how logical or entertaining a distraction infidelity may seem at the time,
 
having sex or affairs when unhappy with your spouse is an extremely unhealthy way to deal with relationship problems.



Number 12
He is a sex or love addict.
This man uses sexual fantasy, urges and behaviors as a way to self-soothe and self-medicate challenging life stressors and strong emotions he finds difficult to tolerate. He uses sex and romantic intensity to temporarily distract from emotional emptiness and to avoid uncomfortable feelings. This man often has a long history of unresolved childhood trauma or other underlying psychological issues that cause him to rely on sexual intensity rather than intimacy for emotional fulfillment.

Number 11
Your sex life sucks.
If a man has a disinterested partner or isn't getting enough sex to fulfill him, there is a good chance he will have an affair. Just because you have a husband or boyfriend, does not mean you can stop trying. It takes a little bit of effort to keep your sex life from getting boring and non-existent. Some men cheat because they want to try new sexual things that their current partner will not try


Number 10

Your lady doesn't put out
Every man has heard that the best way to get a woman to stop having sex with him is by marrying her or becoming exclusive with her. Apparently, long-term relationships seem to suck the sex drive out of many women, leaving men gasping for fulfillment. With the need for more sex, some men will start "working late" more often.


Or it could just be that the sex has become boring. She doesn't want to try new things in bed, or won't perform fellatio. Some men may cheat because they don't want their girlfriends or wives to perform certain sex acts that would ruin their "good girl" image, so they get a mistress to take care of it. Like Robert de Nero said in “Analyze This” , "That's the mouth she kisses my kids good night with!"

In light of this, I call on lawmakers around the world to create an International BJ Day, where men and women get the day off from work and get all the oral satisfaction they need from their partners. I'll bet that this alone would cut infidelity by at least 75%. (SMILING COYLY)

Number 9
She cheated on you
So you found out your lady was being unfaithful, and the only way you can relieve your anger is by doing the same. For many men, this is the only way to get back at their cheating girlfriends and even the score. 

Some men might even cheat to get back at all the cheating women they've had the misfortune of dating throughout their lives; now that's efficiency (SMILING KNOWINGLY)

Number 8
It's challenging and exciting
The "high" of a challenge - From a young age, men love a challenge. From board games to computer games, most are centered on conquering and winning. In adult life, the ability and wit a man uses to get away with cheating on his wife or girlfriend provides a sense of winning or accomplishment. In addition, men love the challenge of finding other women to cheat with. Sure they enjoy the sexual part of the affair, but the sneaking around and pursuit is what really drives the man to be unfaithful. The ability to orchestrate the other woman in his life when then stakes are so high, gives him a buzz.
If you consider the women you sleep with "sexual trophies," chances are you have already cheated at least once in your life. Some men simply cannot leave behind the thrill of the hunt, the chase and the conquest. For other men, the excitement is in the variety, like changing ice cream flavors for one day after years of sticking to just one.


Number 7
You can get away with it
"What eyes don't see, the heart doesn't feel," goes the old adage, and it still holds true, as long as there are no cameras around. The knowledge that no one will find out and no one will get hurt is reason enough for some men to grab a different helping. But be careful; as men get craftier with avoiding detection, women get more sophisticated with detecting,

 not to mention boosting their network of spies.

Number 6
It boosts your ego
Stroking the "invisible" male organ - If there is one thing that men love more than their genitals being stroked, is stroking their invisible male member - his ego! The ability for him to find multiple women who want to engage in physical intimacy does wonders for his self-esteem. Being able to attract other women can temporarily blind his sense of right and wrong. However, the desire to reinforce their attractiveness to women which drives them to having affairs stems from a deep rooted lack of self-esteem.
Nothing lifts the old self-esteem like discovering that other women still desire you sexually. When in long-term relationships, men may begin to question their sexual marketability, which will lead some of them to sow their clandestine wild oats. Once a man knows he can get back in the game, he'll return to his mate; or not. (GRINNING WICKEDLY)

What's a guy to do when his girlfriend's-a-naggin' and opportunity comes-a-knockin'?

Number 5
The opportunity was there
It's an uncontested fact that most men can't say "NO" to sex. Although guys aren't constantly bombarded with sexual offers, sometimes an irresistible prospect presents itself. Maybe it's a frisky ex-girlfriend, maybe it's a horny hottie on the dance floor at “tonight’s club”. A guy may see it as a once-in-a-lifetime occasion that might never be available again. Carpe Diem, as they say.

Number 4
Your girlfriend is a nag
Most men have experienced at least one woman who thrives on making him feel like crap. Constant Nagging
, fighting and squabbling in the right ratios is the best recipe for a headache. 


Cheating with another woman is a common escape from this domestic hell, and works better than aspirin.


Number 3
Women let us
Truth be told, women are quick to forgive men for their unfaithful behavior. Maybe it's their fear of being alone, or that women are simply the more merciful ones of the human species. Some women might even blame themselves for their mens infidelities, and take steps to improve their relationships. The fact that many women let their men get away with murder might compel them to double deal repeatedly. Just ask Bill Clinton.

Number 2
She doesn't turn you on anymore
Long-term relationships and marriages have the annoying habit of making people lazy. No longer concerned with staying fit and attractive, a committed woman might lose the allure she once had. 

Her man may simply not find her beautiful anymore, and making love to her is not as stirring as it once was. This is why most mistresses are gorgeous, young women. 
 
Turn this picture upside down to see how she looks before marriage.


Number 1
You don't love her anymore
Alas, after a long time together, you have lost the feelings you once had for her. But the relationship has remained too much a part of you. 
Separating seems so painful, so radical that it's almost inconceivable. So instead of separating, you go elsewhere to get your physical gratification. Most times this does not help matters, but only prolongs the inevitable breakup.

YOUR CHEATING HEART

In the end, cheating is no joking matter. If you are cheating on your girlfriend or wife, it might be that you are unhappy in the relationship, or that you have issues that you should address. Look at the big picture and see your unfaithfulness as a symptom of a bigger problem.

Cheating might feel good as a quick escape from your problems, but it's only an anesthetic -- not a long-term solution.

 

STANDPOINTS
How are men and women different when it comes to cheating?

While both men and women cheat, there are important sex differences when it comes to cheating. The sex differences that influence cheating are based on two basic biological differences between men and women. 

First, men and women differ when it comes to eggs and sperm. Men can produce hundreds of millions of sperm per day. By comparison, women are born with a million or so eggs, but only a fraction, roughly one egg released every 28 days over a short period of time - from puberty to menopause - has the potential to create life. Simply stated, women have about 400 viable eggs to use (and taking into account gestation, only about 20 actual opportunities to reproduce), while men are capable of producing billions and billions of sperm.

The second basic biological difference deals with gestation. Embryos grow and develop in women, not men. For men, reproduction can literally take just a few minutes of effort; while for women it involves, at the very least, a nine-month process.
From a biological point of view, men can constantly and quickly engage in reproduction while women are much more limited in their ability to do so.

These biological differences influenced our psychological desires before the invention of modern forms of birth control and still influence our unconscious sexual desires today. Men are more likely than women to think about sex and fantasize about having sex with multiple partners. In fact, a multi-billion dollar industry - pornography - exploits this basic sexual difference.


Given this basic biological difference, here are some key differences between men and women when it comes to cheating:
  • Men are more likely than women to cheat with someone who is less attractive than their current partner. Women cheat up class while men are more opportunistic when it comes to cheating.
  • Men are more likely than women to have a one-night stand. Women are more prone to having emotional affairs.
  • Men are less likely to consider leaving their partners after cheating. When women cheat, it tends to be more emotionally involved so they are more likely to consider ending their current relationship.
Men are more likely than women to repeatedly cheat on a spouse or partner

From a sexual standpoint, healthy adult men tend to be most aroused by a visual succession of body parts and sexual acts. Men in general also seem to have a greater psychological capacity overall to engage in objectified, even anonymous sexual experiences, which are devoid of any relationship or personal connection. This is why men enjoy pornography and strip clubs -- venues that allow them to sexually objectify body parts.

Women, on the other hand, tend to be more aroused by sexualized and romanticized emotional connections between people more than body parts. In this way, women are more likely to objectify relationships rather than any particular visual image.


The basic idea is if you want polyamory (open relationships), spousal swapping or a "don't ask, don't tell" kind of relationship, go for it. Just make sure that your partner agrees to it up front. A mutual spousal agreement that it is OK to have sex outside your primary relationship is called having an open relationship, and extramarital sex in this arena is clearly not cheating. However, lying and keeping secrets about that same behavior while pretending to maintain a vow of monogamy defines infidelity.


Men most often cheat for one or more of the following reasons:
Having known lots of couples/friends struggling with one (or both) partner's cheating, it is clear to me, from experience, that the most workable definition of infidelity is the keeping of secrets in an intimate relationship.
When discussing with couples who feel violated by various forms of sex and relationship betrayal, the central theme of their pain is quite consistent. A betrayed spouse's greatest hurt comes not from the extra-marital sexual or romantic behavior (though that is no picnic to discover), but from the profound and often repeated betrayal of relationship trust by one's closest ally, confidante, and life-partner.

What They Don't Know Won't Hurt Them
Sadly, many men don't realize the profound effects that ongoing or repeated infidelity can have on the emotional life of a trusting long-term partner. Still others, lacking empathy, truly believe that their spouse would understand as long as the sex "doesn't mean anything."
Inevitably, most cheaters are eventually found out, and the resulting fallout is often much greater than anticipated by the cheater,

 consumed as he has been by his intellectual justification and denial. Sometimes, even when both members of the couple are committed to healing, the backlog of emotional damage and personal betrayal is irreparable, especially when a hurt partner is unable to regain the trust and emotional safety required to be intimate. For those of us who walk the tightrope of clinical work with such couples, these cases are often the saddest of all.

Why men cheat on women, are in most cases different to the reasons a woman would choose to have an affair.
Having a better and clearer understanding of the inner workings of a man's potentially unfaithful mind can help you in preventing the hurtful and often traumatic event in your relationship.
         And finally to end this gruesome piece, let me show you the dream of the modern man.....if only God put this in the box women came in. please don't laugh. (am laughing like a juju priest)


And I'll talk to you again soon
Your Friend,
 Leonhart

 
 follow me on twitter @chrisxleonhart
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facebook page: The Lions Den (http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Lions-Den/472170412841021?ref=stream)

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