Thursday, January 24, 2013


              Getting caught cheating will surely earn you four punctured tires and a drained bank account. If you must cheat, learn the fine art from some of the most high profile wandering gentlemen and how they pulled off their infidelities. Marriage - and balls - intact.

Sometimes in life, our lower halves override our brains and we end up sampling things we shouldn't, and in the process hurting our better halves. And I'm not trying to imply straying once in a while is OK - I think cheating is a bad move and would undoubtedly unleash "the fury for which hell hath no comparison" on any man by the woman betrayed.

While I'd like to tell you that getting caught cheating will surely earn you four slashed tires, possessions strewn across your front lawn, and a drained bank account, I cannot. What I can do is show you some of the most high profile wandering gentlemen and how they pulled off their infidelities. Marriage - and balls - intact. Why? To give hope to dog housed cheaters everywhere. And because I'm just as flat-out amazed by these guys.

What Bill did: Took the term "Executive Privilege" to new heights by receiving blow jobs from chunky White House intern Monica Lewinsky, while serving as President of the United States and Leader of the Free World. Which he promptly lied about. Then causing the entire world to be creeped-out when the details were finally released. Not a very smooth move by Mr. Bill. He lied to Hillary also at first, then the morning he had to testify he confessed the whole thing, making her realize that she'd been sticking up for a liar. Publicly. Big, global story. Unimaginable public humiliation for Hillary. But did she leave him? Nope.

Why Hillary forgave him: In her 2003 memoir, she would attribute her decision to stay married to love: "No one understands me better and no one can make me laugh the way Bill does. Even after all these years, he is still the most interesting, energizing and fully alive person I have ever met."
Bill's Secret: He cheated on someone who is more rational and better at thinking things through than he is. And loads of charisma doesn't hurt.


What Kobe did: "Sexually assaulted" (more like "hooked-up with" if you ask me), 19 year-old Katelyn Faber, an employee of the Colorado hotel where he was staying. After accusing Bryant of sexual assault, Faber later refused to testify and all charges were dropped. Big national story, press conference confession of adultery by Kobe, lots of public humiliation for his wife Vanessa. Deep shit, right?.... Wrong!

Why Vanessa forgave him: Mrs. Bryant issued a statement saying her beloved husband "has made a mistake -- the mistake of adultery... I know that he did not commit a crime, he did not assault anyone. He is a loving and kind husband and father. I believe in his innocence." 

A very sweet and very supportive statement from a loving wife. Wearing the $4 million, eight carat, purple diamond ring she just received from her adulterous husband.
Kobe's Secret: Knowing when a lady can be bought. And having the millions to do it.

What Jesse did: Cheated on his wife for four years, producing an out-of-wedlock (I won't say "bastard"), baby in 1999. 

He even used his charity's (tax exempt!) funds to move her ass out to CA. All the way out to CA, that is. For a man who uses "Reverend" instead of "Mr.", this is not exactly divine behavior. And Mrs. Cheating Reverend Jesse Jackson? Did she demand an eye for an eye and get to know one of Jesse's flock "in the biblical sense"? Not at all.
Why Jackie forgave him: He righted his funding wrong, and apologized to Jackie, their children, and thousands of parishioners publicly at a church. And continued to pray for and ask the public for forgiveness.
Jesse's secret: Actual, genuine remorse. Preach, Jesse, preach!


What Ozzy did: Cheated on Sharon constantly for the first four years of their marriage - including getting freaky with the nanny the night their son Jack was born. How fatherly. You'd think there would be some security in marrying someone as weird-looking as Ozzy, but... guess not!

Why Sharon forgave him: She blamed it on his drug and alcohol abuse - but not before she made him believe his cheating had earned him a case of AIDS. That's right, she set up a hoax AIDS test to scare Mini Ozzy back into his pants forever. Forgiveness? More like reigning by terror.

Ozzy's Secret: The old "alcohol and drugs made me do it" gambit. And then staying faithful. You don't want to piss off a lady who would make her own husband think he'd contracted a deadly virus.

What Becks did: Allegedly hit the sheets with his personal assistant, Rebecca Loos, 

at least four times in 2004 while his wife Victoria was traveling in another country. Not to mention engaging in lots of phone sex and raunchy text messages. Big, hot, celebrity sex scandal with tabloids on at least two continents descending like wolves - how fun for Victoria and the kids!

Why Victoria forgave him: Victoria recently told the New Zealand edition of Stuff Magazine that it was the roughest point in their marriage, but it actually ended up making their marriage hotter. (((WOW))). No indication that he apologized, admitted it... or anything. But somehow he came out on top. Maybe he just took off his shirt and smiled at her?

David's secret: Being an international sports star - with a mega-mill contract to match. And looking exactly like David Beckham.

If you wanna cheat and get away with it, you have to identify your selling point. Theres gotta be something about  you that she/he cannot afford to miss. theres gotta be a link that keeps your union strong. 
Even if its your goodybag (hehehehe)...

And i'll talk to you again soon,
Your Friend 

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