DISCLAIMER
THIS MAY NOT BE A GENERAL THEORY!
HOWEVER IT IS NOT ONE MANS OPINION. THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS TO EVERY RULE THOUGH.
2. CHEATING IS ONLY
DERIVED WHERE THERE IS A LEGITIMATE AGREEMENT ON AN EXCLUSIVE BOND, MARRIAGE OR
OTHERWISE. SO A MAN IS NOT CHEATING ON YOU WHEN YOU HAVE SIX OTHER MEN.
3. IF YOU THINK YOU ARE MY
GIRLFRIEND, READING MEANING INTO THIS IS AT YOUR OWN RISK.
4. IF YOU SEE A STORY THAT
LOOKS LIKE AM TALKING ABOUT YOU…LOOK AGAIN…IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU.(but if you're smart and this piece preaches to you ,you"ll take the jokes in good faith and try to change for good)
Women around the world
have been asking me for this since I posted a very brief topic on WHY WOMEN CHEAT.
Well…here it is …and it
is not for the feeble minded.
Word of advice, get a
bottle or cup of something cuz this is going to be massive.
Blame it on the genes
In troubled relationships,
cheating can be an easy alternative to the burden of a breakup or the agony of
divorce. It's a quick fix for the sake of the couple's or the family's
integrity. Some of us have even gone so far as to enact the long-distance code:
If you cheat in another zip code, it doesn't count.
And with evolutionary psychologists telling us that we are wired to lay our
seeds in as many women as possible to ensure our genetic survival, adultery is
slowly becoming a defensible misdeed, which may explain why women are catching
up to men in the game of infidelity.
Because of our insatiable appetite for sex, we men can sometimes only be as
faithful as our options. Here are the main reasons why some men will opt to
shed their devotion and cheat on their partners.
Now in descending order……
Number 19
Driven by caveman instincts –
While on a
superficial level men have evolved from their hairy caveman days, the basic
instincts have barely changed since the days of being hunters with clubs! For
thousands of years a man's job was to procreate as much as possible. Although
in our current times of over population and the cultural structure of one man
for one woman is accepted, at least in theory by men, the genetic and primal
instincts of the "hunter" in a man often drives them back to giving
in to those urges.
Number 18
Competition and the wrong crowd –
While this reason affects only a minority of
men, it still acts as a misguided catalyst to why men cheat. If a man is
surrounded by his friends who sleep around with other women, he may
subconsciously feel competitive and try and do the same to be "in"
with his crowd
.
Number 17
He is not who he
seems to be.
This man never
intended to be monogamous, despite taking a vow or making a commitment to do
so. He lacks empathy for his spouse, and he resentfully sees monogamy as
something to work around rather than respect. His need to get what he wants
when he wants it -- and that supersedes the value he places on intimacy and
partnership.
Number 16
He is unaware of
his (and others) emotional needs
until overwhelmed
by them. This is the guy who complains that he is not getting the same love,
attention and adoration from his spouse as he got when they were first dating.
Feeling trapped and drained, often longing for the courtship phase of his early
relationship, he will turn to the extensive use of online porn, affairs and
sensual massage to temporarily meet the emotional needs he may not even know he
has.
Number 14
He is insecure.
Feeling old,
undesirable, unattractive, unsuccessful, etc., this man uses affairs,
prostitutes and other forms of sexual intensity to reassure himself of his
desirability and worth. This man will often go to strip clubs, attempt to
become that "special" client to a particular prostitute, or otherwise
seek situations that provide external validation in an attempt to bolster his
failing self-esteem.
Number 13
He is unhappy in
his relationship.
The
duality of security and excitement - Most relationships after the first few years of passion
dwindle down to a mundane regularity of life's struggles. The excitement and
passion that once existed is longer there. This can certainly be resolved but
requires the active work by both. Most couples fail to do that. However, while
the relationship might get rather boring, it provides the important element of
comfort and security to both. The man may have an affair to inject the
excitement that is missing with his current partner, but at the same is hell
bent on keeping it a secret as the fear of destroying the security is too high.
This most common
excuse for cheating usually sounds something like the following: "If you
had to live with my wife/girlfriend/lover, you would cheat too. She's gained
weight, nags me all the time AND she doesn't want to have sex anymore. So
what's a guy to do?" But in reality, no matter how logical or entertaining
a distraction infidelity may seem at the time,
having sex or affairs when
unhappy with your spouse is an extremely unhealthy way to deal with
relationship problems.
Number 12
He is a sex or love
addict.
This man uses
sexual fantasy, urges and behaviors as a way to self-soothe and self-medicate
challenging life stressors and strong emotions he finds difficult to tolerate.
He uses sex and romantic intensity to temporarily distract from emotional
emptiness and to avoid uncomfortable feelings. This man often has a long
history of unresolved childhood trauma or other underlying psychological issues
that cause him to rely on sexual intensity rather than intimacy for emotional
fulfillment.
Number 11
Your sex life sucks.
If a man has a
disinterested partner or isn't getting enough sex to fulfill him, there is a
good chance he will have an affair. Just because you have a husband or
boyfriend, does not mean you can stop trying. It takes a little bit of effort
to keep your sex life from getting boring and non-existent. Some men cheat
because they want to try new sexual things that their current partner will not
try
Number 10
Your lady doesn't put
out
Every man has heard that the best way to get a woman to stop having sex with
him is by marrying her or becoming exclusive with her. Apparently, long-term
relationships seem to suck the sex drive out of many women, leaving men gasping
for fulfillment. With the need for more sex, some men will start "working
late" more often.
Or it could just be that the sex has become boring. She doesn't want to try new
things in bed, or won't perform fellatio. Some men may cheat because they don't
want their girlfriends or wives to perform certain sex acts that would ruin
their "good girl" image, so they get a mistress to take care of it.
Like Robert de Nero said in “Analyze This” , "That's the mouth she kisses
my kids good night with!"
In light of this, I call on lawmakers around the world to create an
International BJ Day, where men and women get the day off from work and get all
the oral satisfaction they need from their partners. I'll bet that this alone
would cut infidelity by at least 75%. (SMILING COYLY)
Number 9
She cheated on you
So you found out your lady was being unfaithful, and the only way you can
relieve your anger is by doing the same. For many men, this is the only way to
get back at their cheating girlfriends and even the score.
Some men might even
cheat to get back at all the cheating women they've had the misfortune of dating throughout their lives; now that's
efficiency (SMILING KNOWINGLY)
Number 8
It's challenging and
exciting
The "high" of a challenge - From a young age,
men love a challenge. From board games to computer games, most are centered on
conquering and winning. In adult life, the ability and wit a man uses to get
away with cheating on his wife or girlfriend provides a sense of winning or
accomplishment. In addition, men love the challenge of finding other women to
cheat with. Sure they enjoy the sexual part of the affair, but the sneaking
around and pursuit is what really drives the man to be unfaithful. The ability
to orchestrate the other woman in his life when then stakes are so high, gives
him a buzz.
If you consider the
women you sleep with "sexual trophies," chances are you have already
cheated at least once in your life. Some men simply cannot leave behind the
thrill of the hunt, the chase and the conquest. For other men, the excitement
is in the variety, like changing ice cream flavors for one day after years of
sticking to just one.
Number 7
You can get away with it
"What eyes don't see, the heart doesn't feel," goes the old adage,
and it still holds true, as long as there are no cameras around. The knowledge
that no one will find out and no one will get hurt is reason enough for some
men to grab a different helping. But be careful; as men get craftier with
avoiding detection, women get more sophisticated with detecting,
not to mention
boosting their network of spies.
Number 6
It boosts your ego
Stroking the "invisible" male organ - If there
is one thing that men love more than their genitals being stroked, is stroking
their invisible male member - his ego! The ability for him to find multiple
women who want to engage in physical intimacy does wonders for his self-esteem.
Being able to attract other women can temporarily blind his sense of right and
wrong. However, the desire to reinforce their attractiveness to women which
drives them to having affairs stems from a deep rooted lack of self-esteem.
Nothing lifts the old self-esteem like
discovering that other women still desire you sexually. When in long-term
relationships, men may begin to question their sexual marketability, which will
lead some of them to sow their clandestine wild oats. Once a man knows he can
get back in the game, he'll return to his mate; or not. (GRINNING WICKEDLY)
What's a guy to do when his girlfriend's-a-naggin' and opportunity comes-a-knockin'?
Number 5
The opportunity was
there
It's an uncontested fact that most men can't say "NO" to sex. Although
guys aren't constantly bombarded with sexual offers, sometimes an irresistible
prospect presents itself. Maybe it's a frisky ex-girlfriend, maybe it's a horny
hottie on the dance floor at “tonight’s club”. A guy may see it as a once-in-a-lifetime occasion that might never be available again. Carpe Diem, as
they say.
Number 4
Your girlfriend is a nag
Most men have experienced at least one woman who thrives on making him feel
like crap. Constant Nagging, fighting and squabbling in the right ratios is
the best recipe for a headache.
Cheating with another woman is a common escape
from this domestic hell, and works better than aspirin.
Number 3
Women let us
Truth be told, women are quick to forgive men for their unfaithful behavior.
Maybe it's their fear of being alone, or that women are simply the more
merciful ones of the human species. Some women might even blame themselves for
their mens infidelities, and take steps to improve their relationships. The
fact that many women let their men get away with murder might compel them to
double deal repeatedly. Just ask Bill Clinton.
Number 2
She doesn't turn you on
anymore
Long-term relationships and marriages have the annoying habit of making people
lazy. No longer concerned with staying fit and attractive, a committed woman
might lose the allure she once had.
Her man may simply not find her beautiful
anymore, and making love to her is not as stirring as it once was. This is why
most mistresses are gorgeous, young women.
Turn this picture upside down to see how she looks before marriage.
Number 1
You don't love her
anymore
Alas, after a long time together, you have lost the feelings you once had for
her. But the relationship has remained too much a part of you.
Separating seems
so painful, so radical that it's almost inconceivable. So instead of
separating, you go elsewhere to get your physical gratification. Most times
this does not help matters, but only prolongs the inevitable breakup.
YOUR CHEATING HEART
In the end, cheating is
no joking matter. If you are cheating on your girlfriend or wife, it might be
that you are unhappy in the relationship, or that you have issues that you
should address. Look at the big picture and see your unfaithfulness as a
symptom of a bigger problem.
Cheating might feel good as a quick escape from your problems, but it's only an
anesthetic -- not a long-term solution.
STANDPOINTS
How are men and
women different when it comes to cheating?
While both men and women cheat, there
are important sex differences when it comes to cheating. The sex differences
that influence cheating are based on two basic biological differences between
men and women.
First, men and women differ when it
comes to eggs and sperm. Men can produce hundreds of millions of sperm per day.
By comparison, women are born with a million or so eggs, but only a fraction,
roughly one egg released every 28 days over a short period of time - from
puberty to menopause - has the potential to create life. Simply stated, women
have about 400 viable eggs to use (and taking into account gestation, only
about 20 actual opportunities to reproduce), while men are capable of producing
billions and billions of sperm.
The second basic biological
difference deals with gestation. Embryos grow and develop in women, not men.
For men, reproduction can literally take just a few minutes of effort; while
for women it involves, at the very least, a nine-month process.
From a biological point of view, men
can constantly and quickly engage in reproduction while women are much more limited
in their ability to do so.
These biological differences influenced
our psychological desires before the invention of modern forms of birth control
and still influence our unconscious sexual desires today. Men are more likely
than women to think about sex and fantasize about having sex with multiple
partners. In fact, a multi-billion dollar industry - pornography
- exploits this basic sexual difference.
Given this basic biological
difference, here are some key differences between men and women when it comes
to cheating:
- Men are more likely than women to cheat with someone who
is less attractive than their current partner. Women cheat up class while
men are more opportunistic when it comes to cheating.
- Men are more likely than women to have a one-night
stand. Women are more prone to having emotional affairs.
- Men are less likely to consider leaving their partners
after cheating. When women cheat, it tends to be more emotionally involved
so they are more likely to consider ending their current relationship.
Men are
more likely than women to repeatedly cheat on a spouse or partner
From a sexual
standpoint, healthy adult men tend to be most aroused by a visual succession of
body parts and sexual acts. Men in general also seem to have a greater
psychological capacity overall to engage in objectified, even anonymous sexual
experiences, which are devoid of any relationship or personal connection. This
is why men enjoy pornography and strip clubs -- venues that allow them to sexually
objectify body parts.
Women, on the other
hand, tend to be more aroused by sexualized and romanticized emotional
connections between people more than body parts. In this way, women are more
likely to objectify relationships rather than any particular visual
image.
The basic idea is
if you want polyamory (open relationships), spousal swapping or a "don't
ask, don't tell" kind of relationship, go for it. Just make sure that your
partner agrees to it up front. A mutual spousal agreement that it is OK to have
sex outside your primary relationship is called having an open relationship,
and extramarital sex in this arena is clearly not cheating. However, lying and
keeping secrets about that same behavior while pretending to maintain a vow of
monogamy defines infidelity.
Men most often
cheat for one or more of the following reasons:
Having known lots of couples/friends struggling with one (or both) partner's cheating, it is
clear to me, from experience, that the most workable definition
of infidelity is the keeping of secrets in an intimate relationship.
When discussing with couples who feel violated by various forms of sex and relationship betrayal,
the central theme of their pain is quite consistent. A betrayed spouse's
greatest hurt comes not from the extra-marital sexual or romantic behavior
(though that is no picnic to discover), but from the profound and often
repeated betrayal of relationship trust by one's closest ally, confidante, and
life-partner.
What They Don't
Know Won't Hurt Them
Sadly, many men
don't realize the profound effects that ongoing or repeated infidelity can have
on the emotional life of a trusting long-term partner. Still others, lacking
empathy, truly believe that their spouse would understand as long as the sex
"doesn't mean anything."
Inevitably, most
cheaters are eventually found out, and the resulting fallout is often much
greater than anticipated by the cheater,
consumed as he has been by his
intellectual justification and denial. Sometimes, even when both members of the
couple are committed to healing, the backlog of emotional damage and personal
betrayal is irreparable, especially when a hurt partner is unable to regain the
trust and emotional safety required to be intimate. For those of us who walk
the tightrope of clinical work with such couples, these cases are often the
saddest of all.
Why men cheat on
women, are in most cases different to the reasons a woman would choose to have
an affair.
Having a better and
clearer understanding of the inner workings of a man's potentially unfaithful
mind can help you in preventing the hurtful and often traumatic event in your
relationship.
And finally to end this gruesome piece, let me show you the dream of the modern man.....if only God put this in the box women came in. please don't laugh. (am laughing like a juju priest)
And I'll talk to you again soon
Your Friend,
Leonhart
follow me on twitter @chrisxleonhart
facebook : chrisking leonhart
facebook page: The Lions Den (http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Lions-Den/472170412841021?ref=stream)
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Talk is what it really needs,
so if you can make way for that, there is a chance. Don't follow your brain man! listen to your heart. Don’t wait for her to give
that first call. Just dial her number and TALK!
A solid ‘rule’ and a good one too.
Do not go about telling others in the circle about the escapade. That would
spell nothing short of blasphemy for the future of your friendship, which you
totally cherish and would like to have back. Respect the importance of your
friendship and keep your mouth shut.
